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Can identity work stir up grief over losses from ADHD? 

Posted
Updated
ByMy Patient Advice
Author: Avery Lombardi, MSc | Reviewed by: Dr. Rebecca Fernandez, MBBS

Identity work can bring powerful clarity when you are beginning to understand your ADHD. It can also stir up grief. According to NHS guidance, many adults reflect on earlier periods of life and recognise how untreated symptoms affected their confidence, opportunities, and relationships. This awareness can create sadness or a sense of mourning for the “undergrown” or misunderstood parts of themselves.

Private ADHD assessment in the UK

 

Why grief can surface during identity work 

NICE guidance NG87 highlights that adults with ADHD often live with years of criticism, inconsistency, or setbacks that shape self-esteem. As you begin reframing your story, you may suddenly see how much of that struggle was linked to ADHD rather than personal failings. This shift can bring relief, but it can also trigger grief for lost time, missed potential, or the earlier self who lacked support. 

The Royal College of Psychiatrists notes that emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity can intensify these feelings. For some, identity work shines a light on experiences of being misunderstood, dismissed, or judged during childhood or at work, and this can resurface as sadness. 

If you are still exploring diagnosis or clarity, private services like ADHD Certify sit alongside NHS guidanceoptions and may support the understanding process. 

Healthy ways to process these feelings 

Mind’s resources suggest that grief during identity growth is a normal part of emotional processing. Self-compassion techniques such as mindful pauses, gentle self-talk, or writing supportive notes to your past self can help you integrate difficult feelings. NICE guidance NG87 additionally recommends structured psychological support, including ADHD-informed CBT, to unpack long-standing beliefs and navigate emotional responses safely. 

Peer support groups and UK ADHD charities also highlight the value of validation. Hearing others describe similar experiences can reduce isolation and help you anchor grief within a broader narrative of recovery and growth. 

A reassuring takeaway 

Grief emerging during identity work is not a sign that you are going backwards. It often means you are finally seeing your story clearly. With compassion and the right support, these emotions can become part of healing rather than a barrier to progress. 

Avery Lombardi, MSc
Author

Avery Lombardi is a clinical psychologist with a Master’s in Clinical Psychology and a Bachelor’s in Psychology. She has professional experience in psychological assessment, evidence-based therapy, and research, working with both child and adult populations. Avery has provided clinical services in hospital, educational, and community settings, delivering interventions such as CBT, DBT, and tailored treatment plans for conditions including anxiety, depression, and developmental disorders. She has also contributed to research on self-stigma, self-esteem, and medication adherence in psychotic patients, and has created educational content on ADHD, treatment options, and daily coping strategies.

All qualifications and professional experience stated above are authentic and verified by our editorial team. However, pseudonym and image likeness are used to protect the author's privacy. 

Dr. Rebecca Fernandez, MBBS
Reviewer

Dr. Rebecca Fernandez is a UK-trained physician with an MBBS and experience in general surgery, cardiology, internal medicine, gynecology, intensive care, and emergency medicine. She has managed critically ill patients, stabilised acute trauma cases, and provided comprehensive inpatient and outpatient care. In psychiatry, Dr. Fernandez has worked with psychotic, mood, anxiety, and substance use disorders, applying evidence-based approaches such as CBT, ACT, and mindfulness-based therapies. Her skills span patient assessment, treatment planning, and the integration of digital health solutions to support mental well-being.

All qualifications and professional experience stated above are authentic and verified by our editorial team. However, pseudonym and image likeness are used to protect the reviewer's privacy. 

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