Why do I feel like I’m always disappointed with ADHD? 

If you live with ADHD, it can feel like you are constantly letting yourself down, not doing what you planned, not meeting your own standards, always “underperforming.” According to NHS guidance, adult ADHD often affects work, relationships, and daily organisation, and these long-term struggles are closely linked with low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression rather than laziness or lack of effort. 

Why ADHD can make you feel you are letting yourself down 

NHS adult ADHD services describe how difficulties with attention, organisation, and motivation can lead to missed deadlines, unfinished tasks, and conflict at home or work, often accompanied by frustration, guilt, and low self-esteem. Over time, this pattern can turn into an internal script of “I should be able to do this by now,” even when expectations were never set with ADHD in mind. 

Research suggests that emotional dysregulation makes this even harder. A 2023 review found that emotional dysregulation is highly prevalent in adults with ADHD and linked with greater use of unhelpful coping strategies and higher distress, which can intensify shame and self-blame when things go wrong (PLoS One review). 

The Royal College of Psychiatrists also notes that adults with ADHD commonly experience chronic under-achievement and low self-esteem, often feeling they have not lived up to their potential (RCPsych – ADHD in adults). 

What the evidence says can help 

According to NICE guideline NG87, treatment for adult ADHD should include not just medication (where appropriate) but also psychoeducation and structured psychological support to address mood, self-esteem, and coping. Evidence-backed approaches include: 

ADHD-adapted CBT

A mixed-methods study found that CBT tailored to ADHD (practical skills, realistic goals, and explicit validation of ADHD challenges) helped reduce self-blame and improved wellbeing (Frontiers in Psychiatry). 

Mindfulness and self-compassion  

Research in adults with ADHD shows low self-compassion is linked to poorer mental health and suggests that building self-compassion can ease harsh internal criticism (J Clin Psychol). 

Emotion-regulation skills  

An 8-week blended programme teaching DBT-style emotion-regulation skills and positive psychology tools improved emotional control and helped adults feel more accepting of themselves (ERIA feasibility study). 

Neurodiversity-affirming approaches  

Neurodivergent-affirming therapy frameworks emphasise reducing internalised shame, understanding ADHD as a different neurotype, and recognising both strengths and challenges rather than seeing yourself as “broken” (Neurodiversity-affirming therapy). 

Coaching and psychoeducation can also be important in translating this into daily life, for example, reshaping goals around how your brain works, not how you feel you “should” be able to function. Services like Theara Change are developing coaching and therapy-style programmes that focus on emotional regulation and behaviour change for ADHD (informational context only). Private assessment pathways such as ADHD Certify can also help adults access diagnosis and treatment options in line with NHS and NICE guidance. 

How to start being kinder to yourself 

You do not have to fix everything at once to stop feeling disappointed in yourself. Helpful early steps can include: 

• Adjust the story, not just the plan: Swap “I have failed again” for “I struggled with ADHD-type tasks again” and look for one small tweak you could try next time. 

• Right-size your expectations: Use “minimum, medium, maximum” goals: a tiny non-negotiable (minimum), a realistic aim (medium), and an ideal (maximum). You still get credit for the minimum. 

• Track effort, not just outcomes: Notice where you did show up, attending the appointment, opening the laptop, asking for help, as evidence that you are not giving up on yourself. 

• Practise self-compassion, not self-indulgence: Self-compassion in ADHD is not “letting yourself off the hook”; it is recognising that change is more likely when you’re supported rather than attacked by your own thoughts. 

The takeaway 

Feeling like you are always disappointing yourself is a very common experience in adult ADHD, and it reflects the collision of a neurodivergent brain with expectations that were never designed for it. According to NHS, NICE, and emerging research, with the right mix of ADHD-informed therapy, self-compassion, skills training, and affirming support, that relentless self-disappointment can soften into something more accurate and far kinder: “I am a person with ADHD, learning how to work with my brain, not against it.