How can ADHD couples share chores without resentment?

PostedNovember 18, 2025

UpdatedNovember 18, 2025

ByMy Patient Advice

Author: Phoebe Carter, MSc | Reviewed by: Dr. Rebecca Fernandez, MBBS

When one partner has ADHD, dividing chores can feel like walking an emotional tightrope. According to NHS guidance on ADHD and relationships (2024), missed tasks or uneven workloads are rarely about unwillingness, they’re about executive dysfunction, working memory lapses, and time-blindness. These neurological traits make consistency harder, often leaving one partner overwhelmed and the other ashamed.

Why ADHD can make chores feel unbalanced

The Royal College of Psychiatrists (2023) explains that ADHD affects how the brain plans, sequences, and prioritises tasks. That means even well-intentioned adults may forget what needs doing or underestimate how long it will take.

The NICE Guideline NG87 (2023 update) adds that these differences can create emotional friction if one partner interprets forgetfulness as lack of care. Over time, unspoken resentment, guilt, and exhaustion can build, unless both partners understand the neurological roots and approach chores as a shared problem, not a personal flaw.

What research shows

A 2023 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that ADHD couples who used shared calendars, visual cues, and structured task lists had stronger cooperation and less tension. When couples built routines around each partner’s strengths, for example, one handling reminders while the other manages physical tasks, trust and satisfaction improved.

Likewise, a Lancet Psychiatry review (2022) reported that couple-based CBT and ADHD coaching reduce resentment by improving communication and shared planning. Compassion-focused interventions were shown to lower emotional reactivity and help both partners reset expectations with empathy.

Practical steps for sharing chores fairly

Experts from NHS and RCPsych recommend balancing structure with flexibility:

Use shared tools: Try a visual wall planner or shared app so tasks stay visible to both partners.

Play to strengths: Divide tasks by what feels natural; one might prefer short bursts; the other thrives on routine.

Check in weekly: Talk about what’s working before resentment builds up.

Add reminders: Shared alarms or sticky notes reduce mental load on both sides.

Lead with empathy: ADHD forgetfulness is neurological, not personal, kindness keeps communication open.

Couples-focused ADHD coaching, such as ADHD Certify, helps partners design systems that blend structure with compassion, building sustainable teamwork and reducing conflict.

The takeaway

Chore-sharing doesn’t have to lead to resentment. When ADHD is understood as a shared challenge, not a flaw, couples can replace frustration with teamwork, using communication, structure, and compassion to keep love stronger than the laundry pile.

Phoebe Carter, MSc

Author

Phoebe Carter is a clinical psychologist with a Master’s in Clinical Psychology and a Bachelor’s in Applied Psychology. She has experience working with both children and adults, conducting psychological assessments, developing individualized treatment plans, and delivering evidence-based therapies. Phoebe specialises in neurodevelopmental conditions such as autism spectrum disorder (ASD), ADHD, and learning disabilities, as well as mood, anxiety, psychotic, and personality disorders. She is skilled in CBT, behaviour modification, ABA, and motivational interviewing, and is dedicated to providing compassionate, evidence-based mental health care to individuals of all ages.

All qualifications and professional experience stated above are authentic and verified by our editorial team. However, pseudonym and image likeness are used to protect the author's privacy.

Dr. Rebecca Fernandez, MBBS

Reviewer

Dr. Rebecca Fernandez is a UK-trained physician with an MBBS and experience in general surgery, cardiology, internal medicine, gynecology, intensive care, and emergency medicine. She has managed critically ill patients, stabilised acute trauma cases, and provided comprehensive inpatient and outpatient care. In psychiatry, Dr. Fernandez has worked with psychotic, mood, anxiety, and substance use disorders, applying evidence-based approaches such as CBT, ACT, and mindfulness-based therapies. Her skills span patient assessment, treatment planning, and the integration of digital health solutions to support mental well-being.

All qualifications and professional experience stated above are authentic and verified by our editorial team. However, pseudonym and image likeness are used to protect the reviewer's privacy.