How to talk about ADHD shame with a partner? 

ADHD shame can quietly shape the way adults think, feel, and connect. Many people with ADHD internalise years of misunderstanding or criticism, believing they are unreliable or too emotional. This can create deep shame that makes honest communication difficult. Instead of opening up, some withdraw or over-explain to prevent conflict. Yet, talking about shame openly with a partner can transform mutual understanding and strengthen the relationship. 

According to NICE guidance NG87 (2025), emotional regulation and relationship strain are recognised parts of adult ADHD. NICE recommends structured psychological interventions and partner psychoeducation to help couples understand impulsivity and emotional sensitivity. The Royal College of Psychiatrists’ Good Practice Guidance (CR235, 2023) adds that low self-esteem, guilt, and rejection sensitivity are common and can lead to over-apologising or emotional withdrawal. 

Understanding ADHD shame and how to discuss it 

Shame in ADHD often begins early, rooted in repeated criticism, unmet expectations, and a sense of not being “good enough.” Adults who have carried this internalised blame may struggle to express emotions without feeling judged. Research in Frontiers in Psychiatry (2024) found that emotion regulation difficulties increase social withdrawal and relationship distress, while studies in the Journal of Affective Disorders (2022) show that suppression rather than emotional reappraisal leads to greater tension during communication. 

Talking about shame starts with vulnerability and clarity rather than apology. It can help to describe what shame feels like physically, perhaps a tightening in the chest or a fear of disappointing someone, and to explain that it’s linked to ADHD, not lack of care. Compassion-focused therapy (CFT), as highlighted in Frontiers in Psychology (2025), improves communication confidence by helping people express emotions without self-criticism. 

Partners can also learn to respond with curiosity instead of reassurance alone. Reflective listening, small pauses before reacting, and validating each other’s feelings all build emotional safety. NHS Talking Therapies programmes now include compassion-based and CBT approaches for couples affected by ADHD-related guilt and shame (NHS Talking Therapies, 2025). 

Key takeaway 

Shame in ADHD is not a sign of weakness but a reflection of how emotional regulation and past experiences interact. According to NICE and RCPsych guidance, partner-inclusive therapy, compassion-focused techniques, and open communication can help rebuild trust and confidence. By talking about shame gently and honestly, couples can replace guilt with understanding and create stronger, more supportive relationships. 

Harriet Winslow, BSc

Author

Harriet Winslow is a clinical psychologist with a Bachelor’s in Clinical Psychology and extensive experience in behaviour therapy and developmental disorders. She has worked with children and adolescents with ADHD, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), learning disabilities, and behavioural challenges, providing individual and group therapy using evidence-based approaches such as CBT and DBT. Dr. Winslow has developed and implemented personalised treatment plans, conducted formal and informal assessments, and delivered crisis intervention for clients in need of urgent mental health care. Her expertise spans assessment, treatment planning, and behavioural intervention for both neurodevelopmental and mental health conditions.

All qualifications and professional experience stated above are authentic and verified by our editorial team. However, pseudonym and image likeness are used to protect the author's privacy.

Dr. Rebecca Fernandez, MBBS

Reviewer

Dr. Rebecca Fernandez is a UK-trained physician with an MBBS and experience in general surgery, cardiology, internal medicine, gynecology, intensive care, and emergency medicine. She has managed critically ill patients, stabilised acute trauma cases, and provided comprehensive inpatient and outpatient care. In psychiatry, Dr. Fernandez has worked with psychotic, mood, anxiety, and substance use disorders, applying evidence-based approaches such as CBT, ACT, and mindfulness-based therapies. Her skills span patient assessment, treatment planning, and the integration of digital health solutions to support mental well-being.

All qualifications and professional experience stated above are authentic and verified by our editorial team. However, pseudonym and image likeness are used to protect the reviewer's privacy.